S: "Are you gonna get a husband?" Me: "I don't know where I'd get one. Do you think you can order one off Amazon?" S: "Yeah, for like $1,000." Me: "Nah, I don't have that kind of money right now."
"Did you know that if you were a cool teacher...if you were a cool teacher, you'd have apples for when we get hungry."

-new student who was hungry an hour after lunch

Overheard at the Store
Clerk: “How do you pronounce your name?” Me: “uh-lee-tha” Clerk: “Was your mom biting her tongue?”

            -Clerk after seeing the name on my credit card.

  It took me a long minute to figure out it was a similar question to one someone else had asked me a few years ago:
“Do you have a lisp?”
While reading "Sarah, Plain and Tall"...
Me: "He ordered his wife in a newspaper!" ... Student: "You should do that for your husband!"
"Do you know why some people have hair and others don't?" ... "The people that don't have any hair have perfect heads, everyone else had to cover theirs up with hair."

-Our school counselor, who happens to be missing a little bit of hair on top.

"Oh, I just thought....are you her daughter?"

-student to my visiting friend, Brittni, about how she knows me.

 
Side note: This happened again in a different setting.
Student: *looks up weather in class* "Oooo, it's 40ºF outside!" Me: *shakes head* "check again" S: "Ooooo, it's 16ºF outside!" Student proceeds to "hula dance" while singing: "It is so warm outside."
This happened last week while we were in the middle of a blizzard with up to 70 mph winds...
"Can you tear it out? I'm TEARible."

-pun itself was pointed out by another student who heard the question

"What is my favorite farm animal?" ... "Fried Chicken."
"When you die, can I have your mascara?"

-student super dedicated to the fact that I wore mascara today.