S1: "Wait so is nobody going to take [Susan's] place?"

In reference to a student being absent for Head's Up 7-Up.

S2: "In your wet dreams." Me: "Excuse me...?" S2: "They asked if someone was going to take her place and so we have to say 'in our wet dreams." Me: "Hey...come here real quick, I want to talk to you about something..."  
S: "Are you gonna get a husband?" Me: "I don't know where I'd get one. Do you think you can order one off Amazon?" S: "Yeah, for like $1,000." Me: "Nah, I don't have that kind of money right now."
"Did you know that if you were a cool teacher...if you were a cool teacher, you'd have apples for when we get hungry."

-new student who was hungry an hour after lunch

When you joke about sleeping in your classroom…and it really might not be that much of a joke.

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Overheard at the Store
Clerk: “How do you pronounce your name?” Me: “uh-lee-tha” Clerk: “Was your mom biting her tongue?”

            -Clerk after seeing the name on my credit card.

  It took me a long minute to figure out it was a similar question to one someone else had asked me a few years ago:
“Do you have a lisp?”
While reading "Sarah, Plain and Tall"...
Me: "He ordered his wife in a newspaper!" ... Student: "You should do that for your husband!"