During bathroom break:
Student: "Ms. Duchene, do you EVER go to the bathroom?"
Mysteries of being a teacher.
A casual joke... Student A: "Why did the baby cry?" Teacher: "I don't know, why did the baby cry?" A: "No, you have to guess." T: "Because it was sad." A: "No because the dog barked at it." Student B: "That's not a..." A: "Sure, sure, sure, sure" *while waving off Student B's comment*
Student: " Want to hear a long joke?" ... Student: "Joooooooooooooooooooooooooke."
S1: "I got all straight A's." S2: "Nuh uh, you got crooked A's." ...
S1: "Wait so is nobody going to take [Susan's] place?"

In reference to a student being absent for Head's Up 7-Up.

S2: "In your wet dreams." Me: "Excuse me...?" S2: "They asked if someone was going to take her place and so we have to say 'in our wet dreams." Me: "Hey...come here real quick, I want to talk to you about something..."  
S: "Are you gonna get a husband?" Me: "I don't know where I'd get one. Do you think you can order one off Amazon?" S: "Yeah, for like $1,000." Me: "Nah, I don't have that kind of money right now."
"Did you know that if you were a cool teacher...if you were a cool teacher, you'd have apples for when we get hungry."

-new student who was hungry an hour after lunch

While reading "Sarah, Plain and Tall"...
Me: "He ordered his wife in a newspaper!" ... Student: "You should do that for your husband!"
"Do you know why some people have hair and others don't?" ... "The people that don't have any hair have perfect heads, everyone else had to cover theirs up with hair."

-Our school counselor, who happens to be missing a little bit of hair on top.

"Oh, I just thought....are you her daughter?"

-student to my visiting friend, Brittni, about how she knows me.

Side note: This happened again in a different setting.
Student: *looks up weather in class* "Oooo, it's 40ºF outside!" Me: *shakes head* "check again" S: "Ooooo, it's 16ºF outside!" Student proceeds to "hula dance" while singing: "It is so warm outside."
This happened last week while we were in the middle of a blizzard with up to 70 mph winds...